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Mom Hits Bottom After Years of Drinking
At the end of a country road, inside the walls of a quaint and calm Hattiesburg, Miss., home, a family was in crisis.
Lynn Wardlow, a 50-year-old wife and mother of three, had been a drinker for more than 20 years. All the while, though, she ran a family business and raised her children.
In January, “20/20? visited Wardlow. It was the day before she’d planned to give up alcohol for good.
“My hands are shaking,” said Wardlow as she packed her bags. “God, I hope I remembered to bring underwear.”
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In the morning, Wardlow would travel from the Gulf Coast to Palm Beach, Fla., check herself into a medical facility for detox and then enter a 30-day rehab program for her alcohol addiction.
Meanwhile, Wardlow planned one last hurrah. She took a bottle from a cabinet in her bedroom.
“Would this be my best choice for my last bottle of wine?” she asked.
The last year in the Wardlow home had been particularly difficult, especially for the children — Bo, 21; Jessy, 20; and Marina, 17.
“She’s been drinking every night for as far back as I don’t even know,” said Bo. “The last year there’s been a lot of drama, and it’d be nice if things were just normal for even just a little while.”
Wardlow poured herself some wine. “My kids want me to just stop, stop, stop, but I like, I don’t think I can just stop,” she said.
“And if I did, I don’t know if I would feel very good, or if we might have to go to the hospital, because I just stopped after I’ve been going, go, go, go for so long.”
Wardlow’s children have witnessed things no child should ever see: their mother passed out in her closet, in a drunken rage at a bookstore, in a car attempting to drive after an alcohol-infused fight.
“It’s hard to see someone you love have to be addicted to something in order to feel better,” said Marina.
“It makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong,” said Jessy.
Drunken Moms: ‘When She Gets Like That’
The kids say their mother’s drinking had reached a critical point. Last April, Wardlow was diagnosed with hepatitis C, unrelated to her alcoholism. Unless she quit drinking, she could die.
But even the threat of losing her life, the family said, hadn’t stopped Wardlow from consuming alcohol.
“I want my mom to get better and not just for our sake but for her sake for her health,” said Jessy.
Wardlow’s last night at home was tense. The alcohol fueled her anxiety of what was to come.
“I think after two drinks, I’m like, you know what, these people aggravate me,” said Wardlow, who ran the family’s ceiling construction business. “And they aggravate me during the course of the day, and at the end of the day, I have a couple of drinks.”
The kids knew better than to stick around once Lynn started drinking. Wardlow’s husband, Bob, soon became a target.
“If you want to spend more time with Bill O’Reilly and your computer then go ahead,” Wardlow cracked.
“When she gets like that, conversations can turn to arguments,” said Bob.
“Or being an a**hole can turn to arguments,” said Wardlow. “Maybe I’m just able to say, you know what, [I've] had it up to here!”
The next morning, her head a little clearer, Wardlow acknowledged that rehab may be her last chance.
“I’ve affected my children. … Our relationships would be different if alcohol wasn’t a part of my life,” she said.
But just before she walked out the door, the leftover wine from the night before called to her.
“I’m not going to drink that,” Wardlow said, wavering before she gave in and took a sip.
Wardlow’s family walked her down the steps. She gave them kisses. She grew emotional.
“I’m not the only person who needs to be healed,” said Wardlow. “I’m not the only person who has been affected by this.
“It’s gonna be good,” she assured her famliy. “I’m going to get better.”
Two planes, three bloody mary’s and two beers later, Wardlow landed in Florida.
She was greeted by Loren Seaman from the Orchid Recovery Center, where Wardlow would surrender herself for treatment.
“Did you drink?” Seaman asked.
“Well, hell yeah,” Wardlow said.
Wardlow and Seaman had been talking for weeks on the phone to prepare for her arrival.
But before her bags had even make it downstairs, a shoeless Wardlow headed off for one more drink.
“We’re going to make a new martini,” Wardlow said. “It’s called the Lynn’s-quitting-drinking-and-going-to-rehab martini. Ready?
Drunken Moms: Tough Recovery Odds
Finally, it was time for Seaman to sign Wardlow into the center.
“Have you ever been to detox?” Seaman asked. The answer was no.
“It’s OK, I’m good,” said Wardlow, laughing. “I’m drunk, so right now I ain’t scared. Give me a day or two, and I’m probably going to be frightened out of my wits.”
Over a million people submit to detox and rehab programs for alcohol addiction every year in this country. The odds going into rehab were against Wardlow. Studies show that 90 percent of people in recovery relapse.
Wardlow had a session with Linda Burns, head of nursing at Sunrise Detox.
“How much are you drinking a day, about?” Linda asked.
“Four, five, six …” replied Wardlow.
According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse, one third of alcoholics in the United States are women.
Staff at both the Orchid and Sunrise Detox Center told “20/20? that about 95 percent of the women they pick up at the airport are intoxicated upon arrival. Wardlow was no exception.
A Sunrise Detox tech measured Wardlow’s blood alcohol content upon admission.
“You’re not too bad — .106,” the tech said.
“What does that mean?” said Wardlow. “Would I be arrested?”
“Oh, definitely, yeah.”
“I would be arrested.”
“Yeah.”
“Point-zero-8 is the limit, and I’m at point 1-plus over. I’m over the limit to drive a vehicle.”
“Yes, you would be wearing nice bracelets.”
For the next five days — standard for alcohol addiction — Wardlow remained at Sunrise. She was medicated with a drug called librium to eliminate the side effects of withdrawal, which can range from tremors and insomnia to delirium or even seizures.
From day one, Wardlow was restless.
“If you reached in your pocket right now and pulled out a beer, it would be really hard for me not to drink it,” she told “20/20.” “Quite honestly, it would.”
By day four, her impatience and boredom reached all-time highs.
“I have not had a good morning,” she said, talking to a portable camera “20/20? gave her to document her journey. “I have cried on more than one occasion today. I have come to the realization that this is the closest thing to a jail that I have ever been in.”
But it was only the beginning of a long and difficult journey.
The next step for Wardlow was the Orchid Recovery Center, a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center designed specifically to treat women.
“We’re just glad you’re here, Lynn,” said an Orchid staff member who welcomed her.
“Thank you,” said Wardlow. “I’m glad I’m here too.”
Drunken Moms: From Detox to Rehab
Normally, TV cameras are not permitted to see inside the walls of a rehab facility. But with Wardlow’s permission, the Orchid Recovery Center allowed “20/20? unprecedented access to their treatment process.
“You don’t know Lynn clean and sober,” Mindy Appel, Wardlow’s therapist at the Orchid, told her. “You don’t know that woman.”
Unlike at detox, Wardlow’s days at rehab would be packed, from six in the morning until nine at night. She would have individual and group therapy sessions mixed with yoga, meditation, accupuncture and art.
An all-female facility, the Orchid is run almost exclusively by women, many of whom have been through some type of addiction recovery of their own.
The Orchid places enormous weight on the honing of life skills, encouraging women to shop and cook for themselves — all of the things they’ll have to do back home. But sometimes, even a simple trip to the grocery store can spell trouble. Once a woman from the center drank vanilla extract from the store. It’s 24 percent alcohol. The woman drank five or six big bottles, staff said — and came back reeking of alcohol and walking funny.
For recovering alcoholics, triggers to resume drinking can be anything from beer commercials on TV to the wine store they used to frequent — anything that reminds them of drinking, said Orchid staff.
Wardlow’s heavy lifting for the next 30 days would happen inside the office of Appel, her therapist.
“We want to stay really focused, and I’m going to keep you on task here,” Appel told her.
During her first session, Wardlow confessed her reasons for drinking went back to her relationship with her father.
“So what was growing up like for you?” asked Appel.
“I had times of sadness,” said Wardlow. “My father was an alcoholic… When I was 15 he decided it was time to go … so he died.”
Genetics may also have had a role in Wardlow’s addiction. Studies show that children of alcoholics are four times more likely to develop the problem.
A week into her treatment, “20/20? co-anchor Elizabeth Vargas paid a visit to Wardlow at Orchid. She appeared more calm and focused but still struggled with her addiction.
Vargas asked her if it was hard.
“It’s really hard,” she said. “It is hard and it’s, and it’s hurtful, and you realize how many people that you’ve hurt. And my children are amazing. I mean, I look at them, and I know I’ve not been a bad mother. I’m like, I know I’m a good mother. I’ve mothered them well — but how much better could it have been if these past 10 years, I hadn’t been living in the bottom, in the bottom of a bottle?”
Wardlow described the cycle of her drinking.
“I wake up the next morning, you feel horrible, and you say, ‘I’m gonna do better. I’m gonna do better. I’m gonna do better. So, but I don’t feel very good today. So this afternoon, I’m just gonna have a beer.’” Which turns into “three or four or five or six.”
Are Mothers Drinking More?
The team of therapists at the Orchid said regrets and expectations about being the perfect mother are often what push a woman deeper into her addiction.
“There’s so many women that are so sophisticated at covering up and being, you know, the PTA mom and being the soccer mom and doing all things for everyone,” said Appel.
But are women, particularly mothers, drinking more — or are we just finding out about it more?
“I think we’re finding out about it more,” said Mindy Agler, another therapist on the Orchid team. “[It's] just not something you talk about. … If a man walks away from a family because he needs to focus on his recovery, everybody says OK, so he needs to do that. But if a woman leaves her family to go get treatment and then decides ‘You know what, I’m not ready, I got to go to a halfway house before I go back to my kids,’ everybody goes, ‘Oh my God.’”
That double standard and the stigma of alcoholism can keep a woman’s disease under wraps. But past traumas, the therapists say, can also play a role.
In her short time at the Orchid, Wardlow opened up about not only her alcoholic father but other traumatic experiences: an abortion at 17, and a horrific gang-rape on her 18th birthday.
“She identifies, from 15 to 18, these were horrible years for her,” said Appel. “That she’s never, never dealt with.”
The entire time, a question hung in the background: Would Wardlow make it through treatment, and would she be able to stay away from alcohol once she was back home?
“I’ll be honest with you, I’m scared as hell,” she said. “I’m scared, I’m scared to go home.
Wardlow left the Orchid with 30 days clean and a lifetime of hurdles in front of her. We visited Wardlow in Hattiesburg after her release. She was ready to add another day to her sobriety.
“This is my little tablet,” she said, indicating a pad of paper. “And I wad up yesterday and I write today down, put my little tablet back up there, and if I drink, I have to put that tablet on zero — and I don’t want to have to do that.”
The time back home had not always been easy.
“We had to relearn how to live with one another,” said Wardlow. “The first week or two was pretty volatile. Not in a physical way, but there was lots of screaming and gnashing of teeth.”
But there are signs of healing.
“We’re all really proud of her,” said Marina. “I know if she sets her mind to anything, that’s what she’s going to do. I’m just glad that she finally set her mind to it.”
“I think she’s trying to be more aware, and I think she’s trying to make up for, in some aspects, everything that’s happened and stuff,” said Jessy. “But I think she’s working on it. … I think she’ll do it. I believe in her.”
Wardlow had followed her care plan closely. She had daily phone calls with her sponsor and attended support group meetings regularly.
To stay with the recovery program, Wardlow can never consume a drop of alcohol — or take any habit-forming medication — again.
“No mood-altering drugs, as far as any type of benzos or opiates or whatever,” she said. “I was on tremizal for joint pain. Also I was taking lunesta to sleep, and I’m not taking that any more either.”
Wardlow left one support meeting with a chip marking how long it had been since she’d stopped drinking.
“Ninety days! 90 Days,” she said. “Big three months. Three months sober.”
By SEAN DOOLEY and SHANA DRUCKERMAN
How to Conquer the Fear of Relapse
Relapse is not a four-letter word. That said, there is a lot of trepidation and many questions over the possibility of relapse – will it happen to me, what can I do to prevent it, will it happen again, does it mean I’m a failure, and so on. Addiction treatment professionals counsel that the best way to get past these fears is through education and skills training. Simply put, you need to learn as much as possible about relapse and coping mechanisms to help you prevent it.
Beyond what you learn in treatment, once you’re back in the real world, it may seem tough at times to remember what it is you’re supposed to do to remain clean and sober. Here are some tips that may help.
1. Have a Plan – for Every Day – You wouldn’t set off on a cross-country journey without a map and an itinerary for how to get there and what to do along the way. The same principle holds true for how you plan to live the next few years of your life in recovery. Hey, it’s a whole new world for you now. The old habits and routines simply won’t cut it anymore. Not only are they dangerous and can quickly land you back in trouble, but it’s just foolhardy not to have a plan. If you have been tardy in drawing up your plan, now’s the time to get going on it.
Where should you begin? Start with today. What are your goals for today? What do you want to achieve? It could be as simple as being on time for all your appointments, your job, seeing that you get all your errands done, make dinner for the family, work on your homework or hobby, whatever. The point is to put it down on paper. Jot everything down you can think of and then start prioritizing according to what’s most important to get done and what would be nice to get done. Go all the way through the list until you’ve assigned a priority to each item.
Next, map out your plan for tomorrow, and then the rest of the week. Don’t worry if you can’t think of everything to put down all at once. This will get easier the more you do it. And you can add items as you think of them. Also, remember to cross things off your list as you complete them. This is important as it builds your self-esteem and self-confidence as you reach your goals, however minor or major.
Now, get to work on doing the things on your list. Time management experts advise that it’s tempting to go for the easiest items, leaving the tougher ones for last. That may work for some people, but most of us waste our time doing the small stuff and never get to the big jobs. Even though we’re talking about recovery here, the point is valid. Try to balance doing easy tasks – cleaning your desk, picking up supplies – with the more challenging ones – assembling materials for tax returns, painting the garage, etc.
2. Acknowledge Relapse Could Happen – There’s no sense hiding behind a wall of denial. You can’t avoid a relapse by refusing to recognize that the potential is there, and it’s real. Experts recommend that you acknowledge that you could falter, give in to a craving or fall in with the wrong crowd again. Just acknowledge that relapse could happen despite your best intentions. Just because you say it aloud (or think it) does not mean that it will happen. Just the contrary. By stating that you know the potential is there gives you the power to be more in control over your actions. Remember, it isn’t the thought that causes relapse, but the action that follows. By expressing the truth – relapse could happen – you deprive the thought of the power to haunt you and make you feel as if you can’t do anything about it. You can, and you will, be able to deal with the pitfalls of relapse.
3. Don’t Dwell on It – After you’ve acknowledged that relapse could happen, don’t dwell on the thought. You need to get on with your life and the business of daily activities. The more you are actively involved in something productive – whether it’s with your hands or your mind – the less likely you are to get caught up in the quagmire of wondering what if, how long, why, and what can I do thinking. A good practice to follow – and this holds true whenever the ugly thought of relapse pops into your head – is to get out and take a walk. Physically get up and go out of the house or office and walk around the block, or parking lot, or on a trail, in the mall, wherever, just walk. The act of walking and breathing fresh air will deflate the blockage of nasty thoughts. It may be a diversion, but it’s a healthy one, and one that will produce a dramatic change of mood.
4. Replace Negative Thoughts with Positive Ones – Here’s another easy and effective strategy. When something bad occurs to you, a negative thought or series of thoughts that plague you and keep you from your tasks, or sleeping, eating, or enjoying any activity, make a conscious effort to replace the negative thought with a positive one. Let’s take an example. Say you begin thinking about all the fun you’re missing by not being with your drinking friends, or you long to be with your buddies smoking a joint and knocking back beer. Turn that negative into a positive by thinking instead about how happy your son or daughter is when you give them a big hug or the joy you feel when something you say or do makes your wife smile. What you’re doing, in effect, is transforming a negative emotion into a positive one. Once you’re in the positive mode, it’s pretty hard to slip back into the negative. You have to really try hard to do that – and who wants to be negative, anyway? So, the next time negative thoughts threaten to derail your sobriety, veer your thinking toward something uplifting, positive, loving and promising. And this time, do allow the positive thinking to remain with you.
5. Find an Outlet – Let’s face it. We all need something we can turn to that occupies our time, and our concentration. You need to find an outlet, something you enjoy or think you may enjoy. It doesn’t matter what it is, either. It could be that you’ve always wanted to learn how to snowboard or parasail or take up golf. Maybe you hanker to create jewelry or paint in oils or water colors. Fancy conquering a foreign language? Becoming a pastry or gourmet chef? Working with your hands in carpentry, woodworking, sculpture, or ceramics? For some in recovery, going back to school is high on their list of priorities. Completing or beginning a degree program, learning a trade, or just taking some classes is certainly well within reach. You don’t have to go full-time. There are part-time, weekend, and evening classes that may work out for you. This applies to learning anything new. If you have the will, there will be a way. Look into what you can work into your schedule and, yes, put this on your list of things to do.
6. Seek Support – No one expects you to be able to figure everything out on your own all the time. You’d have to be superhuman to be able to do that, and none of us is that perfect. In fact, we’re all human beings, and, as such, we need the help of others from time to time. This is not a sign of weakness, but strength. You will find that if you seek the support of others when you encounter a rough patch, or stress builds up and you feel that you are at a breaking point, or you just need someone to talk to that understands, being with others in your support group can make all the difference in the world. In fact, it may very well be the single most important part of your recovery, the needed bit of assistance that allows you to remain clean and sober.
Your support network could be members of your immediate family – your spouse, children, and other adult family members – or your trusted friends, co-workers, member of the clergy, therapist or other counselor. For many in recovery, their support network includes their 12-step group sponsor and members. The beauty of your 12-step alliance is that it is always available to you. Your group asks nothing of you except your uncompromising desire to be clean and sober, and to help others with your support as you are able. Besides, these people have all been in situations like yours. Each of them has struggled with the cravings and urges. Many have relapsed and gotten back on track with the support and encouragement of fellow members.
Whatever your support network consists of, don’t be afraid to use it. Sometimes you just need someone to listen, not talk. The shoe may very well be on the other foot later on in your recovery. At that time, you will be in the position to be able to give back to another in need of assistance. For now, make good use of your support system. It’s one of the best things you can do to conquer your fear of relapse.
7. Be Prepared – The old adage that “The best defense is a good offense” is especially true when it comes to recovery. Another is, “Be prepared for any eventuality.” What do these two sayings have in common? They both involve careful preparation. Here we are talking about the preparedness or readiness list you should have in place just in case you are tempted to relapse.
What does such a list entail? First of all, it should include a list of names and telephone numbers of people whom you trust that you can call for help. If you find yourself tempted to go into a bar or are already there and feel you may not be able to stop yourself from drinking, call your sponsor or friend and have them talk you through it or come get you – whatever it takes, whatever you need. It could also be a series of things that you will do to prevent you from giving in to your cravings. Again, this will be unique to you, and only you know what may work or not. You could discuss this with your therapist or 12-step sponsor or group members, but in the end, it is your personal preparedness list. In fact, when some people find they’re at the end of their rope and are about to pick up a drink or get back into drugs, they head right off to a 12-step meeting. That alone may be enough to sidetrack the temptation and keep them clean and sober.
8. Don’t Beat Yourself Up – It’s important to keep things in perspective when it comes to your recovery. Some days will be up days. Some will be down. That’s not only the nature of being in recovery. It’s the fabric of life. We all have our ups and downs. Being in recovery tends to make us think our lives are more difficult or different than everyone else’s, but that’s only true to the degree that we believe it to be so. It isn’t really that our lives are so unique or that our challenges are any more or less formidable than the next person’s.
Where this sense of perspective is important applies to days when it seems to us as if we’re not accomplishing our goals fast enough, or that we have failed to get where we believe we should be at this time. Again, this is not unlike your neighbor down the street or the guy at work or the student you attend class with. Each of those individuals has times when he or she feels disheartened about progress or lack thereof. Instead of harping on our failures, the better strategy is to look forward to the rest of today and tomorrow, and to devising new and more creative ways of realizing our dreams, coming to grips with our problems, and overcoming our obstacles. Beating yourself up over your shortcomings – real or perceived – won’t accomplish anything other than to make you feel worse than you should. Life in recovery, like life for everyone else, is a series of incremental steps. Not all steps are in a straight line forward. Some are lateral first and then forward. Some backtrack and then move forward. The point is that the journey continues. Keep the horizon in view and take the steps necessary to move forward.
9. Get Back on Track – Okay, some of us will relapse. We’ve acknowledged right at the outset that it could happen. So, if it does happen, then what? You get right back on track, that’s what. Addiction treatment professionals say that the worst mistake those in recovery can make is to give up, to feel that they are failures and are doomed to a life of downhill spiral. If you falter, take a drink, smoke a joint, pop too many pills, you need to resume your regimen of 12-step meetings, counseling, seeking support and redouble your resolve to live clean and sober. It’s as simple as that. You just get back on the schedule that worked for you before. In fact, figure out what worked best to keep you from relapsing and then do more of that. Your support network (sponsor, counselor, therapist, spouse, etc.) may have other suggestions that you can try.
10. Learn From Your Missteps – If you do have a relapse, and many in early recovery do, the best thing you can do for your future is to learn from what went wrong. This goes beyond tips and techniques to keep you from caving in to your cravings and urges. It also applies to your overall strategy, possibly your goals. Perhaps you have been thinking too short-term. Lacking a long-term goal, many in recovery become disillusioned and disheartened when things don’t turn out the way they want or planned in the short haul. You need something to work toward that is far enough off that it requires a series of steps, or mini-goals, to achieve. In other words, you need something of value to work towards. This should involve a meaningful goal, perhaps for you, but also for your family. It could be providing for your child’s or children’s college, or buying your first or new home. It could be finally becoming financially independent, or again being financially stable after a period of debts due to your addiction.
You may also find that you need to cultivate a new group of friends. If part of what went wrong is that you wound up hanging out with friends that use drugs and/or alcohol, you know that you need to stop being around others who will only tempt you back into your old habits. You simply cannot afford to be around alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviors. Period.
Bottom line: Relapse does happen. It isn’t the end of the world. With the support of your loved ones, trusted friends, 12-step sponsor, members, counselor or therapist, you will be able to get through it and past it and resume your recovery. So, rather than worry and be afraid of the what if and why and how could this happen, concentrate more on the business of charting your plan for your future. Then go out and make it happen.
Source: Drug Addiction Treatment
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